


Holocene

by IrisHale23



Category: teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: 3rd person, Depression, M/M, i was sad so i needed to write this, lonely, sorry - Freeform, stiles is sad, suicide not in 1st person, suicide note
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 15:13:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2233701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IrisHale23/pseuds/IrisHale23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know, people tell me my eyes are the color of whiskey, but if that were true, my dad might actually look at me. Drink me in like the whiskey he does every night. Sometimes, I think I’m just one of his empty bottles, drained by those who needed me and left in the trash: broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**You know, people tell me my eyes are the color of whiskey, but if that were true, my dad might actually look at me. Drink me in like the whiskey he does every night. Sometimes, I think I’m just one of his empty bottles, drained by those who needed me and left in the trash: broken.**

 

                  Stiles looked up from notepad he was writing on. He’d written this note 10 times over, but he had to finish it. His night hadn’t gone the best. To be honest, his week, hell his year, hadn’t gone the best. Sure, the pack was at an all-time high. Everyone had their own tasks and things that they were needed for, but Stiles didn’t. They’d made that plenty clear when he wasn’t invited to the pack meetings anymore. Yes, they were the same day every week, but when Stiles showed up everyone would get quiet, or even worse, act as if he wasn’t even there, it left him feeling empty. So he decided to bow out like any respectable man.

                   Even Scott was acting differently. He and Allison were doing great, so video game marathons weren’t necessary anymore. He wasn’t necessary anymore.

                   Stiles alarm clock started the incessant buzzing and he unplugged it, another night with no sleep. It was a Friday; the Sheriff would be out all night, no doubt keeping the town in order on a weekend.

He stood up and threw on his red hoodie. He just had to make it through today, that’s it. Tonight is the night.

                   Making it to the high school with just enough time to spare, Stiles barely remembers firing up his jeep, the lack of sleep getting to him. He knew he was a mess, hollow eyes and pale skin, but he couldn’t seem to care.

                   Lydia was the first person he came across. Their eyes met and he went to go wave, but she quickly looked away. The usual. So, it shouldn’t sting as much as it did.

**Just keep walking**.

                    Erica and Boyd were in his first hour, he could see them holding hands and laughing with each other. His ribs ached. His heart pounded painfully. They didn’t even look up, but he knows they can hear his blood rushing in his ears.

**Ignore them.**

                    Before he knew it, he was walking through the hallway during passing period. He could see Scott and Jackson laughing like best friends, Scott’s arm draped around Allison’s shoulder. Their faces were alight with happiness and love and everything Stiles wished he had.

**Breathe**.

                    But he couldn’t. He could feel the air leave his lungs and pushed himself to just fucking breathe, but he couldn’t. He hadn’t been able to breathe in weeks. Couldn’t sleep or eat or live.

                    He looked up from the spot on the ground and saw every single one of the pack looking at him. He didn’t even think, he just turned around and walked out of the front doors of the school. Screw the consequences. He wouldn’t have to deal with them anyway.

                    He drove his jeep wherever his mind took him until he was parked in the middle of the woods. Hands clenching the steering wheel, he finally let it out. His breaths started coming in short gasps, and his chest tightened. He could feel his lungs constrict painfully. Panic attack after panic attack came in waves. He was losing his goddamn mind.

Stiles had no idea how much time had passed, but the sun was starting to go down. Today was pack meeting day. One more, just one more, and then I’m gone.

                   And that’s how Stiles found himself driving down the dirt road to get to the refurnished Hale house. He walked in to bright lights and laughter, and he felt like he sucked it all out of them. Their smiles froze on their faces. They all looked at him like a caged animal, like they weren’t sure what he was going to do.

                   Jackson was the first to chime in, “What are you doing here Stilinski”

                   It wasn’t a question. More of a cruel statement, meant to bite into him.

                  He froze. Stiles had hoped he would still be welcome. Hoped that maybe this was all in his head and they didn’t hate him as much as he thought they did.

                 “I thought—“ Stiles was cut off.

                 “What? Thought you were pack?”

                 He could feel his gut clench, his throat tighten, and tears prickled at the back of his eyes. He just couldn’t do it anymore. He looked down when he realized no one was going to say anything.

                “I guess I’ll just go” he mumbled to himself.

                He turned around and prayed that someone would stop him, but they didn’t. He looked back one final time. His eyes connected with Derek’s. All he saw was cold indifference. The decision had been made. He truly was alone.

                Walking back to his car was like he was walking to the gallows: waiting to be hung. It was like every mile he got closer to his house he could feel in his chest. He could feel his time coming to an end.

                He walked through his front door like he’d been doing every day for he doesn’t know how many years. It was different though. It was dark, and scary, and fucking freeing at the same time. His brittle hands gripped at his hoodie. Walking to the medicine cabinet, he knew just the mix of prescription medication that would get the job done.

                Stiles walked up the steps as the pills rattled in their container, a water bottle in his other hand. Grabbing a pencil, he sat down at his desk and began his work.

 

**You know, people tell me my eyes are the color of whiskey, but if that were true, my dad might actually look at me. Drink me in like the whiskey he does every night. Sometimes, I think I’m just one of his empty bottles, drained by those who needed me and left in the trash: broken. It reminds me of that song. Holocene by Bon Iver. “All at once I knew I was not magnificent.” How fucking true. I am not the shoulder to cry on, nor the friend you go to to pick you back up. I am no one.**

**I thought maybe, just maybe I found a home, but I got my hopes up too soon. I know I don’t mean half as much to anybody as they do to me. How fucking sad. How sad that my dad can’t look at me unless he’s had a glass of whiskey. How sad that even my best friend doesn’t want to be around me. How sad that I’m in love with a man who couldn’t give two shits about me.**

**_How sad that I still love them all despite all this shit they put me through._ **

**And today, my birthday of all days, I saw them for who they were. I saw people I don’t think I ever really knew. I tried one final time so I could tell myself that I’m not a quitter, but I know I still am.**

**Dad: I’m sorry I wasn’t better. I tried. Maybe that’s a lie, maybe I didn’t try enough, but I gave it my all. You’re all I have left, but I know you’ll be okay. After all, I’m not all you have left. You still have Melissa and Scott, and I know the pack will protect you. I love you.**

**Scott: You’re going to be great, you already are. Never change, because you’re the person you’re meant to be. I’m mad at you for not talking to me anymore, but I understand. You’ve always been more. You’ve always been so much more than me. You deserve more. I love you.**

**Derek: I’m glad you never knew. I tried not to love you, but I guess I’m just a sadist. I can’t write too much, or I’ll just keep going, so I guess I’ll leave you with this: I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.**

**I’m sorry I’m not magnificent, but I still love you with everything I have. I loved you with everything I had.**

Stiles Stilinski

 

 

                Stiles turned a random playlist on before sitting on his bed. He grabbed his pills and took as many as he could then laid down. The ceiling spun and darkened. All he could hear was Holocene playing in the background.

And all at once I knew I was not magnificent, how fitting.


	2. I could see for miles, miles, miles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the a bit ambiguous on purpose, kind of hinting around stiles living/dying. At this point it could go either way. Thanks for all the reviews on the first chapter, enjoy:)

                Derek Hale is an asshole. He’s fucked up a lot in his life, but letting Stiles walk out of that door was one of the biggest mistakes he’s ever made.

                As soon as the door shut, the pack fell into silence. They could smell the pure loneliness that was oozing off of Stiles. They recalled how his face fell, how just before he left, he seemed to just accept it. Accept that they just didn’t want to be near him anymore. Derek’s heart had never felt so heavy.

                They looked at each other but didn’t say a word. Scott whined low in his throat, his head turned and looking at the door as if Stiles might come back.

                The pack had been heartlessly cruel, but not without reason. Stiles was vulnerable. He needed to be protected, and since they couldn’t do that 24/7, they had to make sure that he wouldn’t need protection. The only choice was to sever all ties.

                “He shouldn’t be alone!” Scott was frantic, his eyes wild with worry about his best friend.

                Derek knows why he’s worried, hell, he’s worried too, but he cares too much about Stiles to put him back in danger. This is for the best. It has to be for the best.

                “Scott, you know why we did this,” he doesn’t even have the strength to be upset. His heart misses Stiles. His body aches for him. His wolf is constantly searching for him.

                “You do know this is the stupidest plan you could’ve ever thought of right?” Lydia chimed in, looking up from her iphone, her eyes cutting into him. “Stiles thrives on human interaction, and right now he has none of that. It’s almost like he has nothing.”

                Derek’s heart stopped in his chest. Scott was barely hanging on to control of his wolf, his eyes flashing and his claws coming out.

                Allison jumped in before anything could go wrong, “I’m gonna take Scott home, night guys”

                “Actually, me and Boyd are gonna head out too,” Erica grabbed Boyd’s hand and all four of them left.

                That left Derek with Lydia and Jackson. Great.

                “You and I know this is a terrible mistake, Derek,” Lydia looked at him knowingly. Lydia always knew more than everyone around her.

                She took a breath to go on, but before she could speak, her face fell in shock and a scream was ripped from her throat, “STILES!”

                Derek’s ears rang from the scream of the banshee, but he was on high alert. Something was wrong, Stiles wasn’t okay. He didn’t even stick around for Lydia and Jackson, he flew through the front door and raced to the Stilinski home.

                His heart was pounding; he could hear his heartbeat in his chest. All he could think was ‘too late, too late, too late’.

                He threw the window open and saw Stiles lying on his bed. He could smell medicine and the overwhelming scent of utter desolation. Despite hearing his heartbeat so loudly, he was focused on Stiles’. He couldn’t hear a thing, and that’s when he noticed Stile’s was lying far too still.

                Derek grabbed Stiles’ arm, “Stiles?”

                He shook him again, “Stiles? Stiles, wake up!”

                He knew he wouldn’t see his eyes open. He knew what this meant. Pulling Stiles into his arms, Derek sank to the floor. A sob ripped from his chest, and he shook with the unexpected loss.        

                He could feel the hot tears on his face, but he was too focused on the weight in his arms. He rocked them back and forth, holding on to Stiles tightly.

Holding on to the body in his arms, Derek didn’t hear him come through the door until he heard Scott howl. The howl for a fallen pack member. Derek shuddered, his heart felt heavy, and all he could think was ‘Stiles Stiles Stiles’.

He could see the flashing lights of the ambulance outside, saw someone grab Stiles from his arms, but he couldn’t process any of it. He heard them fire up the defibrillator and Stiles heart gave a weak pump. Once second he was on the floor of Stiles’ bedroom, the next he was surrounded by the pack in the hospital waiting room praying and hoping that maybe he would pull through, when they didn’t think he would.

 

No one ever wants to say it, but that’s what it was.

That’s what it would be if his attempt was successful.

 

                He sat in the hard plastic of the waiting room chair and pulled out the crumpled piece of notebook paper.

                Derek picked it up gingerly. The pack looked up at the sound of the crinkle of folded paper.

                They saw the paper in his hands, and Derek didn’t need to explain, they just waited for him to begin speaking. He cleared his throat.

               

 

**You know, people tell me my eyes are the color of whiskey, but if that were true, my dad might actually look at me. Drink me in like the whiskey he does every night. Sometimes, I think I’m just one of his empty bottles, drained by those who needed me and left in the trash: broken.**

Scott whined at that. He hadn’t realized things with his dad had been so bad. Derek went on.

**It reminds me of that song. Holocene by Bon Iver. “All at once I knew I was not magnificent.” How fucking true. I am not the shoulder to cry on, nor the friend you go to to pick you back up. I am no one.**

Derek felt his blood turn to ice. Stiles was not the things he thought. He was everything.

**I thought maybe, just maybe I found a home, but I got my hopes up too soon. I know I don’t mean half as much to anybody as they do to me. How fucking sad. How sad that my dad can’t look at me unless he’s had a glass of whiskey. How sad that even my best friend doesn’t want to be around me. How sad that I’m in love with a man who couldn’t give two shits about me.**

**How sad that I still love them all despite all this shit they put me through.**

**And today, my birthday of all days, I saw them for who they were. I saw people I don’t think I ever really knew. I tried one final time so I could tell myself that I’m not a quitter, but I know I still am.**

**Dad: I’m sorry I wasn’t better. I tried. Maybe that’s a lie, maybe I didn’t try enough, but I gave it my all. You’re all I have left, but I know you’ll be okay. After all, I’m not all you have left. You still have Melissa and Scott, and I know the pack will protect you. I love you.**

**Scott: You’re going to be great, you already are. Never change, because you’re the person you’re meant to be. I’m mad at you for not talking to me anymore, but I understand. You’ve always been more. You’ve always been so much more than me. You deserve more. I love you.**

**Derek: I’m glad you never knew. I tried not to love you, but I guess I’m just a sadist. I can’t write too much, or I’ll just keep going, so I guess I’ll leave you with this: I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.**

**I’m sorry I’m not magnificent, but I still love you with everything I have. I loved you with everything I had.**

Stiles Stilinski

 

Derek felt like the ceiling was caving in on him. Like the world was crushing him for all the wrong he had done. He didn’t know if Stiles would make it, all he knew is that he couldn’t be here. He didn’t even have to explain why he stood up, they understood before he had to say anything.

Once he got out of the hospital, he ran as fast as he could to the Stilinski house. He had to understand. He had to be where Stiles was and get what he went through.

                Although he raced to the house, he took his time going up to his room. He knew this was his fault. He knew he fucked up, but god, he didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to ruin Stiles.

                Stiles’ cd player was still on, but the cd had long been finished. Derek slid his shoes off and walked over to it. He opened it up and looked at the cd that was playing when Stiles did what he did. It was a homemade mix. Holocene was number 6. He put the cd back in and skipped to the right song.

                The first bars of the song had already started as he made his way over to the bed and laid down.

                His head was on the pillow, his body laid flat breathing in Stiles. The song played out, ringing in his head. Derek listened to it as best as he could, hearing the words Stiles was so intent upon.

                And at once I knew I was not magnificent, Derek heard the song and the final part echoed around the room, and it felt like he too had died.

 

... and at once I knew I was not magnificent

High above the highway aisle

I could see for miles, miles, miles


	3. Death's the Only Thing You Haven't Tried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John Stilinski's side of the story. I'm not sure if i'll add any more chapters, i'm surprised I've gotten this many, because usually i'm more of a one shot girl. Thanks for all of the feed back, feel free to tell me where you think the story should go:) Going with the song theme the 1st two chapters had, this one is 'Even my dad does sometimes' by Ed Sheeran

                John Stilinski is a man of few words, but he hadn’t always been that way. He hadn’t always been so closed off, and he hadn’t always been so out of touch from his own son’s life. He used to be involved. He used to not drink. He used to actually know what the hell was going on.

                Maybe this weekend away from home would be good for him. Getting recertified for first aid might be a good thing. An actual break from fucked up Beacon Hills.

                He was packing up his clothes in his room, and he could hear Stiles shuffling around next door. His kid hadn’t been sleeping right for weeks, but John just couldn’t talk to him. He couldn’t look his son in the eyes, because he knew he’d see disappointment.

                He wasn’t good enough for his son, not like Claudia was. She understood Stiles in a way he was afraid no one else would. She saw Stiles for who he was, not how other people perceived their overzealous son.

                And before he knew it, John was reaching for his whiskey settled on his night stand. The burn soothed his aching throat, and the warmth settled in his stomach. He was a goddamn mess. His son deserved so much better.

                His bags were packed and the car was ready, but he felt a worry deep in his heart. He felt like he shouldn’t leave. He felt like he’d fucked up one too many times to be forgiven. Before getting too worked up, John decided to just leave and ignore what he was feeling. Like he always does. It wouldn’t kill him to be away from home for a couple of days.

               

                John had been in classes all day. His brain was fried, and he was just bone deep exhausted. He’d spent the last several hours relearning what he already knew, and he was ready to go to sleep. When he finally got back to his hotel room, he barely made it to the shower before his phone was ringing

               “Sheriff Stilinski”

                “It’s Parrish,”

                “What do you need son, I just got out of class,” John was too tired to deal with the deputy, but he knew it had to be important.

                “John, it’s Stiles.” His heart stopped in his chest. It was like the color was sucked out of the room. He couldn’t hear anything over the sound of the rushing blood in his ears. The deputy went on, “You need to come home right now to the Beacon Hills Hospital.”

                John didn’t even ask questions, he immediately hung up, grabbed his stuff, and was in his car flying down the highway in 2 minutes flat.

                He wasn’t a religious man, but he felt himself praying to anyone who could hear. He prayed to Claudia to protect their son. He promised he could be better; he would be better given the chance.

                Before he knew it, he was bursting through the hospital door and rushing the front desk. He didn’t even get a chance to ask anything before he saw Melissa turn the corner with red, puffy eyes.

                “Melissa, where’s my son!” it wasn’t even a question at this point, John was frantic.

                “Oh, John..” Melissa trailed off, “come with me.”

                She grabbed his hand and led him up to the waiting room where everyone was gathered. He saw Scott clutching a ripped piece of notebook paper in his hands.

                “Stiles is in the ICU right now. His stomach was pumped.” Melissa finally stated. “John, it was a suicide attempt.”

                Suicide.

                That one word crushed everything John had left.

                His son’s life was so bleak that he felt he had to end it all. He didn’t let Stiles know how much he loved him, how proud of him he is.

                Scott stood up and slowly made his way to the stricken Sheriff. He smoothed the paper out and handed it to him.

                “Stiles wrote this for us,” he didn’t even have to explain, and he walked off, talking the rest of the group with him.

                John sat down in the cold, hospital chair and began reading.

 

 

**You know, people tell me my eyes are the color of whiskey, but if that were true, my dad might actually look at me. Drink me in like the whiskey he does everynight. Sometimes, I think I’m just one of his empty bottles, drained by those who needed me and left in the trash: broken. It reminds me of that song Holocene by Bon Iver. “All at once I knew I was not magnificent”. How fucking true. I am not the shoulder to cry on, nor the friend you go to to pick you back up. I am no one.**

**I thought maybe, just maybe I found a home, but I got my hopes up too soon. I know I don’t mean half as much to anybody as they do to me. How fucking sad. How sad that my dad can’t look at me unless he’s had a glass of whiskey. How sad that even my best friend doesn’t want to be around me. How sad that I’m in love with a man who couldn’t give two shits about me.**

**_How sad that I still love them all despite all this shit they put me through._ **

**And today, my birthday of all days, I saw them for who they were. I saw people I don’t think I ever really knew. I tried one final time so I could tell myself that I’m not a quitter, but I know I still am.**

**Dad: I’m sorry I wasn’t better. I tried. Maybe that’s a lie, maybe I didn’t try enough, but I gave it my all. You’re all I have left, but I know you’ll be okay. After all, I’m not all you have left. You still have Melissa and Scott, and I know the pack will protect you. I love you.**

                John skipped down to the bottom, not needing to read his son’s words for the others. He felt like he was 1,000 feet below the ground; cold and heavy and so, so dark.

**I’m sorry I’m not magnificent, but I still love you with everything I have. I loved you with everything I had.**

Stiles Stilinski

                His chest tightened and sobs were ripped from his chest. He held onto the note with all he had and tears streamed down his face. He distantly heard a screaming, but then he realized it was him. Melissa’s arms wrapped around him as he sank to the floor.

                He made his baby boy feel like he wasn’t loved. He did that. Claudia would be ashamed of him.

                It was like everything was in slow motion. The sounds were muted, and the sensation of being so heavy was pulling him down, and before he had time to think of anything else, he thought, ‘Is this how Stiles felt this whole time?’

                He prayed it wasn’t how he felt.

                He remembered that Stiles wasn’t hanging out with much of anyone anymore, but he didn’t think he was so alone. Stiles always seemed so bulletproof. It was like he was the one to look up to, not John.

                He didn’t know what to do, all he could do was shake and cry and break down on the hospital floor.

Don't wipe your eyes

Tears remind you you're alive

It's alright to die

'Cause death's the only thing you haven't tried

But just for tonight, hold on.


End file.
